Merry Christmas!

We hope that everyone has a wonderful day filled with family, laughter and happiness.

Merry Christmas!

I think this year's holiday photo turned out very well. Getting that photo was certainly a challenge though. I seriously underestimated how hard it would be to get two one year olds to sit the way I wanted them to, keep their hats on, look the same direction and smile all at the same time. After a lot of work, a few tears, and some good old fashioned cookie bribery, we finally had some success. Here are a few of the photos that didn't make the cut.

Rejoining the world

After an exhausting week, I think I can finally say that things are slowing down enough for me to rejoin the world. The big contract fell through. I was pretty bummed about it, but I'm still working on trying to find a solution to make everyone happy. The good news is that I have my first official contract with a closing at the end of the month. Things are going well and I think I might actually close my first transaction. Yay! I've been working so much lately that Jeff and Mom have really had to take over a significant amount of monkey time.

I like working, but I am really missing my time with the monkeys. They are growing up so quickly. Unfortunately, I don't have many new pictures of them. My goal for the weekend is to keep the camera busy. Here are a few pics of the girls and my mom playing with their music table. They obviously like it a lot!

Bad blogger!

I am such a bad blogger these days. I have been crazy busy working and just haven't been able to squeeze blogging in. The good news is that I am working on a big contract. Hopefully we will be able to get the contract accepted and closed. Wish me luck!

Since I need to get to work, I will leave you all with some vintage photos of the monkeys.

Rainbow Brite makes everything better.

We are still in the throes of teething hell. The monkeys have 5 or 6 teeth working their way through the gum line. Their top two molars are about half way through and their bottom two have started breaking the gum line along with one or two of the bottom front teeth. Needless to say my little monkeys are in a lot of pain these days. Isabella has been screaming for days. Fun times! So tonight Isabella was inconsolable so I started trying to use the Rainbow Brite doll to distract her. She has been kind of afraid of it in the past, but today she suddenly likes it. That doll gave us 15 minutes without any screaming so I love it! Here are a few pics of Isabella's rough afternoon and my happy monkey with her grandma and her mommy's doll.

Caitlin certainly had her rough periods today. Thankfully, they weren't always at the same time as Isabella's. During Isabella's last meltdown, Caitlin was blissfully occupied.

I survived camping with infant twins!

A week of camping with 2 infants and no husband. It can be done, but boy was it hard. The monkeys, my mom and I went to our family reunion in Indiana. It was a 10 day trip with a week of camping. The girls and I spent the week in a tent. They loved their Pea Pod tents! I put one outside for them to play in and one in my tent for them to sleep in at night.

It rained every day and we had a severe storm come through. The humidity was oppressive, which made the girls extremely cranky. That combined with teething had me drinking before lunch one day. The girls were super clingy and didn't want anyone but me and my mom to hold them. There just wasn't much time when the girls were awake that I could put them down or pass them off without them screaming. Thankfully my mom was a huge help. I probably wouldn't have survived without her.

Everything considered, the monkeys did really well and I think they liked it a lot. It was a good trip, but it was also really disappointing. I really underestimated how much work the trip was going to be. I had thought that, with so many hands around to hold the monkeys, I would be able to spend some quality time visiting with my grandma and the rest of the family, but that didn't really happen since the girls needed so much attention. In retrospect, I wish I had rented a camper, but I'm also kind of proud of myself for doing it the way I normally would and making it work.

Most of the pictures are pirated from my mom and from my brother's girlfriend Kelly. I just couldn't seem to get to my camera. I can't remember the last time I went on a trip and took such a small number of pictures!

Kelly, my brother and Grandma.

The monkeys having some dinner.

Isabella full and happy.

Sean, Isabella, Mom and Caitlin

Sean with Caitlin and Isabella. Caitlin was mad that Sean wouldn't share his beer. That's Dick lounging in the background.

Ugh! I somehow managed to get a few large puddles of water between my tarp and the floor of my tent during one of the torrential downpours. There must have been an edge of the tarp sticking out. That's what happens when you rush to throw a tent up while trying to keep infants happy. This is us moving everything to get it all dried out before the next round of rain came in.

Grandma giving Isabella a frozen cloth to chew on. Oh sweet relief!

Sean with Isabella.

The monkeys playing with their cousin Jaime.

Caitlin and Isabella playing.

Isabella on a mission.

Caitlin happy with her momma.

The monkeys playing near their Pea Pod. Isn't it cute?!

Caitlin spending some time with her frizzy haired momma. Ugh - midwestern humidity sucks!

This day was a mixed bag.

The monkeys are 10 months old today!

First, I'll start with my test results yesterday. I passed with a very good score. Yay for me! I was hoping to take the state exam for my broker's license this week, but there was not an available slot so I can't take it until next Tuesday. I'm bummed about that. I am so tired of dealing with the class stuff. I really wanted to take it this week so I could move on and start trying to land my first transaction.

Today. Caitlin started off the day with some serious poo grunting and then crying for her mommy. I gave her some prunes thinking that would help her move things along. I put her on the floor to play until she started crying and acting like she was in pain. So I picked her up and sat down in front of my open computer. She was straining so hard to have her bm that she puked up the prunes. All over the two of us. All over my computer. Later on she was straining again and this time when she puked it didn't come out of her mouth at all. It just came out of her nose. She was struggling to relax enough to breath and I was kind of freaked that she was going to suck the stuff into her lungs. We got her to relax and then a little later she did it again. By this time I was getting concerned so I called the pedi's office. They told me to put her in a warm bath. So I did that and voila 15 minutes later everyone is happy. Well, I would have been happier if I didn't have to clean up the tub. While I love being a mommy, there are some parts I could do without!

Caitlin telling her daddy about her day.

I was able to spend some one-on-one time with Isabella today while Caitlin was taking a nap. Apparently, my little baby is suddenly into full on interaction with the world. I am not sure if it just happened overnight or if I have just been too wrapped up in getting my broker's license. We were looking at a touch and feel book and she was completely aware of the fact that the pages had parts with different textures. She really liked the fuzzy animal pages. That was a first. Usually the girls just want to grab the books and chew on them. The other big moment was sitting on the floor with the girls. I have been working on helping them move up to a sitting position on their own. Isabella is really close to doing it by herself. The special moment though came when we did our good job and clap when she sat up. This time her face lit up, she smiled and I think she said yay. It was so easy to see that she knew she did something good and was enjoying the moment. Each time we did the sit up routine after that, her reaction was the same. Her celebration of her success made me feel all happy and mushy. I'm turning into a big sap!

Later in the day, Isabella discovered the basket of clean diapers and decided to help her mommy with them. She kept trying to pull herself up enough to pull the diapers out. After she took out all of the ones closest to her, she pulled too hard and the basket fell over on top of her. It was so cute!

The aftermath of Isabella vs. the basket.

I am so spoiled.

We have a sleep number bed and I love it. I have my side set on a nice soft number. When I lay down the bed cradles me in a cloud of comfort. I almost always fall asleep within a few minutes. I admit that I am completely spoiled. I am happy with that, except when we travel and I have to suffer on a hard bed. Admittedly, I do try to find hotels with pillow top beds to make sleep less miserable than it would otherwise be. Outside of being pregnant, I never thought I would have to suffer through another night of pure bedtime misery at home again. I failed to realize that one night I would find myself sleeping on the living room floor.

Last night was my reality check on how spoiled I really am. The last several nights have involved hours and hours of screaming. Mostly by Isabella, although Caitlin has chimed in her fair share. Last night we tried to put the girls down at their usual time. Two hours later we were still trying to get Isabella to sleep. She did finally succumb to her exhaustion and I thought I would be able to crank out some serious studying. Nope, an hour later she was at it again. Two more hours later I finally accepted the fact that she was not going to sleep unless I was right there with her.

Unfortunately, she does not like to sleep in our bed so I didn't have many options. She is too squirmy to try sleeping with her on the couch or in a chair. I decided my only safe option was the living room floor. I piled up as many blankets as I could find and settled down with her in front of the tv. As much as I hate to admit it, watching Nick at Night was absolutely calming her down and, for the first time, I intentionally parked her in front of the tv. We curled up and watched the late night shows until she finally fell asleep. I dozed off for a short time. Then I woke up and was stiff as a board. This spoiled body just can't handle two hours on a hardwood floor. Foolishly, I thought I would be able to move her to her crib so I could go to bed. That didn't work out so well. After some more screaming that involved Caitlin this time, we ended up back on the floor. This time I was smart enough to leave her there until it was time to get Jeff up. Thankfully, he had a vacation day planned and took over for me so I could crawl into my cloud of comfort for a few hours.

I love spending one on one time with my daughters, but I hope I don't have to spend any more time sleeping on the floor with them. I really hope they learn to like my cozy bed soon!

Go directly to Jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

Help! We have been imprisoned against our will. Can anyone help us?

This place is worse than a third world prison. The only food we have been given is a leather camera strap. It's ok to suck on, but we would at least like some bread and water. Milk would be better!

We have rights and we know it! We have been screaming for our release for over an hour. We demand to see the warden!

Free at last! Free at last!

Thank goodness, we are free at last!

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time I said I would never be a stay at home mom. I thought stay at home parents had an easy life that could not possibly be fulfilling or rewarding. I was so wrong in every respect. I am a stay at home mom. It is incredibly fulfilling and rewarding. It is also one of the hardest things I have ever done.

At this point in my life, I cannot imagine anything more fulfilling or rewarding than the monkeys' smiles and laughter. My heart bursts with joy every time they hold their arms out to me and smile with the anticipation of knowing that I am going to hold them. Each time they learn something new I know that our daily activities have played a significant role in their success. People are always commenting on what happy babies the monkeys are. What can be more rewarding than knowing that I have created the environment that makes them happy?

So how hard can it really be to be a SAHP? I don't think anyone who hasn't been one can truly understand the challenges SAHPs face. I certainly didn't have a clue until I started walking the proverbial mile in my own shoes. Sure working in the professional world is hard. I'm not saying it isn't. But for comparison purposes think about these: (1) at the end of a bad day at work you get to leave the environment and go somewhere fresh; (2) on the rare occasion that someone at work is screaming, it is short lived, it is generally only one person screaming and you can tell yourself what a jerk that person is or just walk away if you need to; and (3) if you fail at your job you can get assistance to improve your performance or, in a worst case scenario, you find a new job. SAHPs face all of these problems on a frequent basis, yet we do not necessarily have those resolutions available to us. We also have to face constant scrutiny from people who think our lives are no more difficult than a casual walk in the park.

A bad day for a SAHP doesn't end at 5:00. We can't walk out of the office and leave the problems behind. There is not a fresh environment for us to go home to. Some days the best we can do is drift off to sleep telling ourselves that at least tomorrow will be a new day. When children scream and cry there are times when we can't make it stop and we never get to walk away. Sure, a screaming baby can be left in a safe place for a few minutes while we take a breather, but, if the baby doesn't calm down during that time, the problem isn't solved and we still have to cope with it. If there is more than one child, there is often more than one screaming child at any given time. So can a SAHP fail? Of course we can. Obviously, we have some of the same correctional options as people in the workforce. The difference is that our failure directly impacts the life of a helpless child, sometimes with lasting effects. We always hope that if we are doing something wrong we will be able to fix it. We don't have a manual to tell us how to do our job though. What if we don't know we are doing something wrong until it is too late to fix it? There is not a greater failure in my mind than one that has a lasting impact on a child's life.

So what brings this on? Well today was an extremely hard day. It was the kind of day that makes me question whether I am cut out for being a SAHP and whether it is in everyone's best interests for me to be one. I haven't had a lot of those kind of days over the last 8+ months, but there have been a few. I've been feeling a great deal of pressure lately to try to be everything to everyone. The reality is that I can't. It just isn't possible. I know this, yet the transition from knowing it to accepting it isn't a quick one. So I'm stressed, not sleeping as much as I need to and just generally creating my own little vicious cycle of daily failure.

Last night I finished studying for the day and headed for bed about 1:30. I accidentally woke the girls up and they wouldn't go back to sleep without a 2 am feeding. I finally headed to bed at 3 am. At 6 am the girls were awake and calling for milk. No biggie, I get up, feed them and put them back down like I usually do. They don't always go to sleep, but they generally play quietly in the crib so I can get another hour or so of sleep. Not today. They fussed and cried until I got them back up. It was all downhill from there. The low point of the morning was hours of them screaming and a momma who couldn't refrain from crying her own tears of extreme fatigue and frustration. I am sure that any mom of multiples will tell you that the hardest part of having multiples is not being able to properly comfort more than one baby at a time. Sometimes we just have to let one cry while we take care of the other one. It is heartbreaking but it is reality. Today it was more reality than I had the strength to cope with. I know that their bad morning was the result of teething. We have been going through the teething phase for some time now and it is starting to wear all of us down. Thank God Isabella's teeth are getting ready to break through. I'm not sure I could survive many more days like today without medicinal help. I probably wouldn't have survived today without my mom's help. Thankfully she didn't have to work today and was able to provide some much needed relief.

What brings me to the conclusion that being a SAHP is the hardest thing I've ever done? Well it isn't just this rough patch. I've haven't met my own performance expectations in any way. I thought I would have a clean house, make excellent meals, do a killer job of sticking to our budget through bargain shopping and provide the monkeys with every possible developmental advantage. I couldn't have been more delusional. First of all, there are two more people in our house now. Two more people to take care of. Being at home during the day time doesn't necessarily provide tons of time to clean and cook. It means that instead of having people here a few hours out of the day to make messes and need meals, there are people here all of the time. That means more to clean and more meals to make. I barely even look at the grocery fliers. I save what money I can, when I can, but I know I could be doing so much more. While I know that I do everything I can for the girls, it never feels like enough. I always feel like I should be doing more physical activities, playing more learning oriented games and just plain hugging them more. Maybe if there was only one of them I would be accomplishing these things. Maybe not. I don't know. What I do know is that I never want to find out the answer to that. All of the stress and feelings of inadequacy could never outweigh the love I feel for our girls.

Do I really have a point in all of this? Yes. In spite of those days when I think it would be so much easier to go back to work full time, I will not do it unless it becomes financially necessary. Finding a way to master being a stay at home mom to our beautiful monkeys is a challenge that I am unbelievably grateful to face. Yes, in some respects it is a privilege. At the same time, it is the most difficult career choice that I ever could have made. I know at the end of the day that I am a great mom. I am not perfect and I never will be. There will be days when I say I really need a drink, even though I rarely have one. The most important thing, though, is that our daughters know that they are loved and that we are doing everything we are capable of doing for them. I know I excel at those two things without a doubt.

Busy, busy.

I know, I know, I am slacking on my posts. It has been a really busy week. Trying to balance time with the girls, taking care of the house, my broker classes, car shopping, a meager social life and some contract work is wearing me down. There are some fun things happening that I will have to start catching up on tomorrow. Right now, though, my comfy bed is calling my name.

Long day.

I know that there are rough days for all moms of infants. For a mom of multiples those rough days can be extremely challenging. Today was one of those days. Another mom of multiples once told me that some days simply surviving the day is a success. We survived the day so it must have been a success. Thankfully, every single day the monkeys do something to make my heart burst with joy. Even on the hard days.

A thought about those mythical super wives of the 50's occurred to me today. They always had the perfect martini waiting when their husbands came home because they spent the whole day drinking themselves. If I really thought it would make my house clean, keep my monkeys happy, put dinner on the table and make my appearance polished at 5:00, I would take up the fine art of martini mixing myself :)

Uh oh!

We spent a long weekend in Estes Park with some friends. It was a great weekend! We always enjoy getting away, even if it is just for a few days. Here are a few pictures of the monkeys enjoying their trip.

Our highlights for the trip are all courtesy of Caitlin. Our little spider monkey said her first word! Jeff and I were naturally hoping it would be momma or dada. No such luck. On Sunday the monkeys were in their pack-n-play babbling away in an effort to stay awake. At one point Jeff went over to give them their pacis and Caitlin said "uh oh." I thought I was just imagining it and laughed and asked Jeff if that was what she said. Sure enough, he heard it too. Out of all of the words she hears everyday, I'm not sure why she chose that one for her first word. I say it quite often when they drop their toys, but they hear momma and dada many more times a day. I guess it puts an end to our momma or dada competition :)

Our other two big events were more anxiety meltdowns for Caitlin. She did fairly well on the way to Estes Park. Up until about 15 miles out of town that is. Then it was a full on meltdown. I think Jeff thought I might have exaggerated how bad they are until he got to see/hear it first hand. Hearing her gagging in the car seat is a scary thing, especially when you can't see her or get to her. By the time we got to the cabin we were both really stressed. It was the same thing on the way home, except this time it started fairly early in the trip. I had to ride most of the way home wedged in between the car seats to keep her calm. We aren't sure how we are going to deal with this problem. I really hope it is a temporary anxiety that passes quickly.

Separation anxiety

Caitlin is having some major separation anxiety. She does not want her momma to be out of her sight. Every time I walk out of the room she cries. Sometimes she cries when I am simply on the other side of the room. In one respect it is cute that she loves me so much. In another respect this is a really frustrating development. This is why.

My cousin Stacey was here with a friend last week for spring break. On Thursday, I took Stacey and her friend to the airport. Caitlin started crying on the way home. I knew she was a little tired and thought she would fall asleep like she usually does. I was so wrong. She worked her way into a frantic episode. Caitlin does not get really upset very often, but when she does it is a major event and takes awhile to get her to calm down. This was one of those times and, of course, I was in rush hour traffic and I was alone with the monkeys. As she became more frantic, I kept thinking about the vomiting and choking episode. I was concerned that she was going to work herself into such a frenzy that she would vomit again while I was stuck in traffic with no way to get out and nowhere to pull over. I took the first exit I could and parked to calm her down.

After trying unsuccessfully to get Caitlin to stay reasonably calm with me out of her sight, I eventually had to call Jeff and mom to come get us. She probably would have been ok, but I was too leery to try it after the choking incident. When they finally met up with us (almost 1 1/2 hours after I first stopped), mom sat in the back with the girls and we headed home. Even with mom there, Caitlin was practically inconsolable until we were almost home. As soon as she could see me again she was just fine and didn't cry at all.

Thankfully, there are a lot of sweet moments like the one in this picture where all she wants is to be close to her sissy. These moments make it easy to forget all of our recent car drama.